adBlockCheck

Boris Yeltsin Dead

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Boris Yeltsin Dead

Boris Yeltsin, the first democratically elected president in Russia after the fall of the Communist regime, died early Monday. What do you think?
  • "History will forever remember him as the man who helped bring Russia from one form of extreme corruption to another."

    Francis Cooke Systems Analyst
  • "Yeltsin will be fondly recalled as a man who was alive when some historically significant things happened."

    Mitch Lomax Real Estate Broker
  • "Dasveedanya, tavareech…uh…man, my Russian has really gone down the crapper since I stopped spying on them."

    Jon Pemborrough Waste Removal

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close