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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco

Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney took over an inspection of the Big Dig, Boston's recently completed multi-billion-dollar tunnel highway system, after a collapsed ceiling panel killed a driver. What do you think?
  • "Listen, when the government spends $14 billion on anything, you are going to have to accept that an innocent person will die under a concrete slab."

    Mindy Wilmington Lathe Operator
  • "That's what they get for building it on the site of the ancient Indian burial tunnels."

    Adam Conklin Prosthetic Limb Salesperson
  • "How come when I spend day after day in a tunnel it's 'loitering and trespassing,' but when the governor of Massachusetts does it, it's an 'investigation'?"

    Brian Laskin Pizza Delivery Driver

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