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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Botox May Cure Migraines

Pharmaceutical company Allergan says its paralysis-inducing wrinkle preventer Botox works as a treatment for chronic migraines. What do you think?
  • "I think what's going on here is just that people can't visibly grimace in pain anymore."

    Jeremy Klein Exterminator
  • "And it smoothes out those unsightly brain wrinkles."

    Anne Burges Systems Analyst
  • "Inject poison into my head?! Why didn't I think of that?"

    Victor Dunbar Bartender
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