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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Boxing's Black Eye

A New York grand jury is investigating whether judges received illegal payments in connection with the controversial March 13 Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis title fight, which was ruled a draw despite the fact that Lewis seemed to have easily beaten Holyfield. What do you think about this latest boxing scandal?
  • "Can't two black men beat the holy hell out of each other in this country any more without some sort of controversy?"

    Christopher Wooten Bond Trader
  • "Thank heavens Muhammad Ali isn't lucid enough to comprehend this shameful episode."

    Amy Des Jardins Graduate Student
  • "I saw the fight, and the decision was a complete sham. It was clear that Willie Pep had knocked out Kid Bassey in the fifth. What? The fight wasn't on Classic Sports Network?"

    Roger Traub Systems Analyst
  • "With regard to boxing, I have only one question: Why'd you fuck Joey?"

    Rajesh Bhawnani Shipping Clerk
  • "It's the children I feel sorry for; the doe-eyed, apple-cheeked cherubs who look up to these sledge-fisted brutes."

    Frances Phelan Pastry Chef
  • "What? A boxing match may have been fixed? That's fascinating. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go contemplate the fact that I'm basically alone in the universe."

    Larry Mees Plumber

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