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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Boxing's Black Eye

A New York grand jury is investigating whether judges received illegal payments in connection with the controversial March 13 Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis title fight, which was ruled a draw despite the fact that Lewis seemed to have easily beaten Holyfield. What do you think about this latest boxing scandal?
  • "Can't two black men beat the holy hell out of each other in this country any more without some sort of controversy?"

    Christopher Wooten Bond Trader
  • "Thank heavens Muhammad Ali isn't lucid enough to comprehend this shameful episode."

    Amy Des Jardins Graduate Student
  • "I saw the fight, and the decision was a complete sham. It was clear that Willie Pep had knocked out Kid Bassey in the fifth. What? The fight wasn't on Classic Sports Network?"

    Roger Traub Systems Analyst
  • "With regard to boxing, I have only one question: Why'd you fuck Joey?"

    Rajesh Bhawnani Shipping Clerk
  • "It's the children I feel sorry for; the doe-eyed, apple-cheeked cherubs who look up to these sledge-fisted brutes."

    Frances Phelan Pastry Chef
  • "What? A boxing match may have been fixed? That's fascinating. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go contemplate the fact that I'm basically alone in the universe."

    Larry Mees Plumber
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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