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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Boy Scouts Reaffirm Policy Banning Gays

Following a two-year review, the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its practice of denying membership to all openly gay scouts and scout leaders, saying such a policy was "in the best interest of Scouting." What do you think?

  • “If there’s one thing human sexual preference is powerless against, it’s a policy banning it."

    Nishat Goodman Midwife
  • “As I tell all my sons when they turn 10, you have to choose: It’s either the gays or the Boy Scouts. You can’t have it all.”

    Alexei Bacon Vintage Automobile Dealer
  • “I guess all the gay people who were going to join the Boy Scouts are just going to have to join the army instead.”

    Andrew Zelenev Tattoo Artist

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