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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Boy Scouts Release Sex-Abuse Documents

The Boy Scouts of America released 14,500 pages of so-called “perversion files,” which include details of child molestation at the hands of scoutmasters between 1959 and 1985, and reveal that more than a third of such instances were not reported to police. What do you think?

  • “They should have named the file something else, like ‘Boring Work Stuff.’”

    Troy Hartung Systems Analyst
  • “Fortunately, I was lucky enough to grow up with a scoutmaster who was very open about his molestation habits.”

    Dane Czulewicz Touch-Up Painter
  • “At least those Boy Scouts were protected from the presence of gay people.”

    Margaret Waxman Weigh Station Inspector
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