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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Boy Scouts Release Sex-Abuse Documents

The Boy Scouts of America released 14,500 pages of so-called “perversion files,” which include details of child molestation at the hands of scoutmasters between 1959 and 1985, and reveal that more than a third of such instances were not reported to police. What do you think?

  • “They should have named the file something else, like ‘Boring Work Stuff.’”

    Troy Hartung Systems Analyst
  • “Fortunately, I was lucky enough to grow up with a scoutmaster who was very open about his molestation habits.”

    Dane Czulewicz Touch-Up Painter
  • “At least those Boy Scouts were protected from the presence of gay people.”

    Margaret Waxman Weigh Station Inspector

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