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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Boy Scouts To Allow Gay Members, Ban Gay Leaders

The Boy Scouts of America voted during their annual meeting yesterday to allow the admittance of openly gay youths into the scouting program, while maintaining the organization’s ban on homosexual adults as scout leaders. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. I was in the scouts 30 years ago and was gay as gay can be.”

    Colin Stiven Unemployed
  • “But the gay scoutmasters know all the hip new knots.”

    JoAnn Moriceau Slurry Mixer
  • “Good. Now get out there and sell some popcorn!”

    Edward Boyd Sign Hanger

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