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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bradley Cooper Admits He Lives With His Mother

Bradley Cooper, the Oscar-nominated star of Silver Linings Playbook and former People magazine Sexiest Man Alive, admitted that his mother lives in the next room of their shared home, where she has resided since his father died in 2011. What do you think?

  • “Hey, what do you know? I’m doing just as well as Bradley Cooper!”

    Ray Shandley Box Labeler
  • “What a caring and selfless act by a man I will never stop mocking.”

    Hunter Heslup Fish Hatchery Worker
  • “Sure, I see her every day when she drops him off at the Hangover set.”

    Pauline Walpole Light Rigger

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