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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's

Researchers have found that while brain exercises can help slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease, they actually speed up its progress once symptoms of the illness have appeared. What do you think?

  • "Poor Will Shortz."

    Paula Strange Wafer Cleaner
  • "Somebody should have stopped Ronald Reagan's long-standing tradition of counting to 25 everyday."

    Devin Richmond Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God. Now I can put away these goddamn grandchildren flash cards my daughter made me."

    Jerry McKenzie Taffy Puller

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