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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Brain Mechanism Triggered By Electroshock Discovered

Though electroconvulsive therapy has been in use since the 1930s, a paper published in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences described for the first time how the treatment cures patients of depression. What do you think?

  • "That must be why epileptics are so happy."

    Brian Quigley Reverser
  • "That's great. Now we can finally explain to patients exactly what will happen before we drag them flailing and screaming in hysterics to have their brains electrocuted."

    Arthur Mullan Motor Vehicle Dispatcher
  • “I hope this knowledge doesn’t kill the pioneering spirit of experimentation that first led doctors to try electrocuting people just to see what would happened.”

    Lane Terrell Unemployed
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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