Brangelina Expecting

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Brangelina Expecting

Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s baby. What do you think?
  • “Apparently, the weak dollar has made it more cost-effective to produce certain things here than import them.”

    Albert Wesker
    Supervisor
  • “I believe that this miracle child will die for our sins, most likely during a taping of The Surreal Life 2034.

    Claire Redfield
    Assisted Living Professional
  • “Looks like Chris in accounting is 10 bucks poorer today. Pay up, sucker!”

    Leon Kennedy
    Engineer
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