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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Brazilian Scientists To Clone Endangered Species

Scientists in Brazil announced their intention to clone eight native species, including the jaguar, the bush dog, and varieties of bison and deer, as part of an effort to help save the endangered animals from extinction. What do you think?

  • “Whoa, that could actually be a cool idea for a movie. Imagine—an entire island filled with deer.”

    Janet Walsh Casualty Actuary
  • “Well, they better hurry, because I’m killing the next bush dog I see.”

    Arjun Amit Prop Maker
  • “Have we learned nothing from the hairy predicaments of cloning detailed in Multiplicity?”

    Frances Ritmanis Mycologist

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