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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down

Last week, the citizens of Brazil voted not to ban gun sales despite their nation having one of the world's highest murder rates. What do you think?
  • "Good. Without a heavy dose of pain and sorrow, Brazilian music wouldn't be worth listening to."

    Laurie Selmon Systems Analyst
  • "Sometimes, being number one in the world in murder rates is better than not being number one in anything at all."

    Clark Loeffler Art Therapist
  • "This bit of news will greatly aid in my stereotyping of Brazilians as not only a party-crazy, bikini-waxing people, but also as a gun-loving one."

    William Metz Metallurgist

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