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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Breast-Feeding Saves Lives, Money

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that if all U.S. babies were breast-fed exclusively for six months, it would save 900 lives, as well as $13.6 billion in lost wages and medical costs, each year. What do you think?

  • "Nothing you say will make me put a child anywhere near this set of blue-ribbon jugs."

    Sara Da Silva Regulatory Affairs Assistant
  • "But how much money could babies earn if they worked those six months?"

    Trevor Birch Telesales Specialist
  • "Uh, could you please go and read that item somewhere else?"

    Cory Aspinall Systems Analyst
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