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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Breast-Implant Dangers

Last week, the FDA ruled that the two leading brands of saline breast implants are safe enough to stay on the market despite "relatively high" risks of complications such as pain or leaking. What do you think about the controversial approval?
  • "I still have some reservations about saline implants. I think I'll just get one and see how I like it."

    Lisa DeVarona School Psychologist
  • "Speaking as a medical professional well-acquainted with the dangers of cosmetic surgery, I likes big ol' titties."

    Nate Combs Doctor
  • "Women should be free to do with their bodies whatever men want."

    Tom Grunwold Systems Analyst
  • "We sure have come a long way from the days when our ancestors carved breast implants from antler and horn."

    Judith Criss Teacher
  • "I paid $8,000 for breast implants for my wife, only to have her romanced away from me by the enigmatic Latin lover El Macho. Curse you, El Macho!"

    Ben Dracht Cameraman
  • "Maybe if those stupid bitches had any self-esteem, they wouldn't need implants. Whores."

    Larry Yates Electrician

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