Breast-Implant Dangers

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Vol 36 Issue 18

Five-Year-Old Convinced Dinosaur Bones Are Buried In Backyard

TACOMA, WA–Amateur archaeologist Joshua Bushnell, 5, announced Monday that he is certain that the remains of a dinosaur are buried in the Bushnell family backyard. "I have to dig up the bones to get them to the museum," Bushnell told his mother, Kathy Bushnell. "There's a big brontosaurus by the swingset." Bushnell has asked his mother to buy him a new digging tool that is larger than his plastic Fisher-Price sand shovel.

New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Frito-Lay unveiled "Doritos Soft," an exciting new partially digested version of the popular snack chip. "Now the great taste of Doritos comes pre-digested, so you don't have to," an upcoming print ad for the product read. "Packed with the same gastric enzymes you yourself secrete, Doritos Soft blasts that awesome nacho taste straight to your large intestine, 'cuz you're too biz-zay for chewin'!" The new product arrives in the wake of the success of Mountain Dew Gold, a soft drink that is 40 percent urine.

Villagers Turned Into Crack Fighting Squad Overnight

SILVER GULCH, NV–The good, God-fearing people of Silver Gulch, a sleepy frontier town known primarily for its pleasant annual Founder's Festival and Ma Beasley's delicious pies, expertly fended off Boss Cafferty's armed goons following their overnight transformation into a crack fighting squad Sunday. "Those gun-slinging prairie pirates were no match for little Molly O'Shea and her tater skillet!" town miller Pete Johnson whooped after the estimated two dozen heavily armed thugs were driven from Main Street. "And anyone who tries to muscle in on Silver Gulch's diamond mine can expect the same!" Johnson and his fellow townsfolk were whipped into fighting shape by reformed outlaw Bart "Three Finger" Hoskins during a seven-minute montage sequence.

Archangels Already Sick Of Cardinal O'Connor Telling Them How They Do It In New York

HEAVEN–Less than two weeks after his passage into God's Eternal Kingdom, Cardinal John O'Connor is already irritating the Archangels with his constant talk of Heaven's lack of facilities, culture, and cosmopolitanism compared to New York City, his former place of residence. "He doesn't complain about the manna, per se, but he won't let us forget that you can't find a decent Italian restaurant open around here after 11 p.m.," Archangel Gabriel said Monday. "We're also well aware that the Lord's Heavenly Choir doesn't hold a candle to the New York Choral Society, whose recent performance of Verdi's Requiem at Carnegie Hall was far better than anything the Cardinal ever expects to hear around here."

So My Readers Wish Me Dead

I am informed by The Onion Editorial Board that the mountain of mail calling for my death is increasing once again. This is nothing new, as it becomes fashionable to lust for the death of T. Herman Zweibel when-ever the Swiss economy is running smoothly. It does not pay to anger the Gnomes of Zurich!

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Wow, what a weekend! They say that part of being a teenager is knowing how to cut loose, and there's nothing quite like getting together with a big group of your peers and just "letting it rip." That teen-abstinence rally totally rocked!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Breast-Implant Dangers

Last week, the FDA ruled that the two leading brands of saline breast implants are safe enough to stay on the market despite "relatively high" risks of complications such as pain or leaking. What do you think about the controversial approval?
  • "I still have some reservations about saline implants. I think I'll just get one and see how I like it."

    Lisa DeVarona
    School Psychologist
  • "Speaking as a medical professional well-acquainted with the dangers of cosmetic surgery, I likes big ol' titties."

    Nate Combs
    Doctor
  • "Women should be free to do with their bodies whatever men want."

    Tom Grunwold
    Systems Analyst
  • "We sure have come a long way from the days when our ancestors carved breast implants from antler and horn."

    Judith Criss
    Teacher
  • "I paid $8,000 for breast implants for my wife, only to have her romanced away from me by the enigmatic Latin lover El Macho. Curse you, El Macho!"

    Ben Dracht
    Cameraman
  • "Maybe if those stupid bitches had any self-esteem, they wouldn't need implants. Whores."

    Larry Yates
    Electrician
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