adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Breast-Implant Dangers

Last week, the FDA ruled that the two leading brands of saline breast implants are safe enough to stay on the market despite "relatively high" risks of complications such as pain or leaking. What do you think about the controversial approval?
  • "I still have some reservations about saline implants. I think I'll just get one and see how I like it."

    Lisa DeVarona School Psychologist
  • "Speaking as a medical professional well-acquainted with the dangers of cosmetic surgery, I likes big ol' titties."

    Nate Combs Doctor
  • "Women should be free to do with their bodies whatever men want."

    Tom Grunwold Systems Analyst
  • "We sure have come a long way from the days when our ancestors carved breast implants from antler and horn."

    Judith Criss Teacher
  • "I paid $8,000 for breast implants for my wife, only to have her romanced away from me by the enigmatic Latin lover El Macho. Curse you, El Macho!"

    Ben Dracht Cameraman
  • "Maybe if those stupid bitches had any self-esteem, they wouldn't need implants. Whores."

    Larry Yates Electrician
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close