adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Breast-Implant Dangers

Last week, the FDA ruled that the two leading brands of saline breast implants are safe enough to stay on the market despite "relatively high" risks of complications such as pain or leaking. What do you think about the controversial approval?
  • "I still have some reservations about saline implants. I think I'll just get one and see how I like it."

    Lisa DeVarona School Psychologist
  • "Speaking as a medical professional well-acquainted with the dangers of cosmetic surgery, I likes big ol' titties."

    Nate Combs Doctor
  • "Women should be free to do with their bodies whatever men want."

    Tom Grunwold Systems Analyst
  • "We sure have come a long way from the days when our ancestors carved breast implants from antler and horn."

    Judith Criss Teacher
  • "I paid $8,000 for breast implants for my wife, only to have her romanced away from me by the enigmatic Latin lover El Macho. Curse you, El Macho!"

    Ben Dracht Cameraman
  • "Maybe if those stupid bitches had any self-esteem, they wouldn't need implants. Whores."

    Larry Yates Electrician

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close