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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Breast Implants For Teens

According to a recent study, there has been a sharp rise in breast-implant surgery among teenage girls over the past five years. What do you think about this trend?

  • "As a parent of a 15-year-old girl, I must speak out on this issue. You can't imagine how difficult it is to successfully raise an A- or B-cup student."

    Dan Warren Systems Analyst
  • "It's about time these girls started paying attention to their appearance."

    Margot Dutler Homemaker
  • "It's better to give a young girl the implants she wants in a safe, reliable medical facility than for her to get them on the street."

    Lydia Cole Hostess
  • "Our society is a victim of badly misplaced priorities. We should be focusing on our teens' sweet little asses."

    Marshall Boone Broker
  • "I don't think breast implants for teens are a good idea. It's hard enough to have sex with them as it is."

    Ted Ghopal Barber
  • "Why do teenage girls need breast implants to be more popular? Can't they learn to smoke instead?"

    Paul Presser Custodian

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