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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Breastfed Children Achieve Higher Social Status

According to new research, people who were breastfed as infants had higher cognitive development than those who were not breastfed and were 24 percent more likely to increase their social status over their lives, as measured by income and job. What do you think?

  • “Thanks a lot for the image of Warren Buffett suckling.”

    Holly Lilyholm Oil Well Pumper
  • “I breastfed right before the ACT and got a 28!”

    Robby Ufford Model
  • “But in today’s job market, just being breastfed isn’t enough. It also depends on the shape of the breast and how hard the kid sucked on it.”

    Tom Yamazaki Financial Executive

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