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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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British Recognize Gay Unions

Gay "civil partnerships" will be legally recognized in Great Britain later this month. What do you think?
  • "I'm already yelling supportive remarks at likely gays I see."

    Tom DiMenna Bus Driver
  • "Finally, Dame Edna has no more excuses not to buy me a ring! Do you hear me, Dame Edna?! I want a June wedding!"

    Karla Strahl Radiologist
  • "And the U.S. loses another ally from the closet of the willing."

    Yang Miller Systems Analyst

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