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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22

In a recent interview, actress Brooke Shields said she wished she had come to terms with her appearance at a younger age so she could have had sex earlier. What do you think?
  • "That's odd. My terrible body image has never once stopped me from having sex with anyone who would talk to me."

    Lydia McCormick Graphologist
  • "If she wants to know what it would've been like for her to have sex at 17, I can give her detailed scene-by-scene accounts of my early-1980s masturbation fantasies."

    Mark Luckett Box-Toe Flanger
  • "Yes, what an ugly woman."

    Alex Kelley Systems Analyst

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