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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22

In a recent interview, actress Brooke Shields said she wished she had come to terms with her appearance at a younger age so she could have had sex earlier. What do you think?
  • "That's odd. My terrible body image has never once stopped me from having sex with anyone who would talk to me."

    Lydia McCormick Graphologist
  • "If she wants to know what it would've been like for her to have sex at 17, I can give her detailed scene-by-scene accounts of my early-1980s masturbation fantasies."

    Mark Luckett Box-Toe Flanger
  • "Yes, what an ugly woman."

    Alex Kelley Systems Analyst

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