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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search

Due to budget cutbacks, the radio telescope arrays at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) Institute have been shut down since Apr. 15. What do you think?

  • "I'm sure if the aliens showed up right now and saw we had a means to contact them but had to shut it off because of money troubles they'd totally applaud our fiscal discipline."

    Wanda Daniels Systems Analyst
  • “The 15th! Everybody knows that April 16th is Contact Earth Day among the Andromeda Tribes.”

    Danny Fuqua Heavy Forger
  • "Listen up, you heartless, program-slashing Republicans: You've just made a small, pasty, and physically weak group of enemies."

    Len Watson Unemployed
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