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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Budget Super Committee A Bust

Tasked with finding $1.2 trillion worth of deficit cuts to be spread over the next 10 years, the budget super committee in Congress announced this week it had failed to reach a compromise. What do you think?

  • "Well, of course they failed; this was a job for a mega task force or even an ultra commission, but not a super committee."

    Mary Lance Debrander
  • "Wow, this came out of nowhere."

    Marcus Candelara Systems Analyst
  • "Plus, they added an extra $42 billion to the budget to pay for the state-of-the-art Super Committee Secret Fortress they had built inside Roosevelt's head at Mount Rushmore."

    Don Whitfield Die Finisher
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