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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Burger-Flipping Robot Could Replace Fast Food Workers

A Silicon Valley company has engineered a machine capable of making 360 burgers per hour by quickly slicing and layering ingredients, leading experts to believe the machines could replace fast food employees and put them out of work. What do you think?

  • “Great, this means more teens will be crowding the legal and medical fields.”

    Oliver Lumsden Sock Pairer
  • “I think there’s always going to be a segment of the fast food market that wants their burger cooked by a good old-fashioned, miserable human being.”

    Ken Hedges Cabinetmaker
  • “The first time someone gets a robotic claw in their food, there’ll be outcry.”

    Sallie Shikorra Mess Hall Decorator

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