Burger-Flipping Robot Could Replace Fast Food Workers

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Vol 50 Issue 32

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Burger-Flipping Robot Could Replace Fast Food Workers

A Silicon Valley company has engineered a machine capable of making 360 burgers per hour by quickly slicing and layering ingredients, leading experts to believe the machines could replace fast food employees and put them out of work. What do you think?

  • “Great, this means more teens will be crowding the legal and medical fields.”

    Oliver Lumsden
    Sock Pairer
  • “I think there’s always going to be a segment of the fast food market that wants their burger cooked by a good old-fashioned, miserable human being.”

    Ken Hedges
    Cabinetmaker
  • “The first time someone gets a robotic claw in their food, there’ll be outcry.”

    Sallie Shikorra
    Mess Hall Decorator
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