adBlockCheck

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’

Fast food chain Burger King is rolling out a new item that it calls Satisfries, a type of crinkle-cut french fry that allegedly has 40 percent less fat and 30 percent fewer calories than McDonald’s french fries. What do you think?

  • “Do you have to order them by name?”

    Ken Karabatsos Stuntman
  • “Too much science for me. I just like to eat.”

    Tina O’Connor Tabletop Sander
  • “That doesn’t sound satisfrying at all.”

    Dennis DiBenedetto Unemployed

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close