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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries

Nearly a year after Burger King rolled out a low-fat version of french fry called “Satisfries,” the chain has announced that it will discontinue the menu item in two-thirds of its restaurants due to poor sales and will be reintroducing “chicken fries” due to demand. What do you think?

  • “An apology for providing healthy options would go a long way toward restoring our trust in the brand.”

    Ben Hartlein Ceramics Glaze Applier
  • “This goes to show you that ordinary people can make a difference when it comes to what foods are served at fast food restaurants.”

    Herman McCandless Systems Operator
  • “I want the salads gone too.”

    Lisa Niman Wallpaper Designer

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