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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries

Nearly a year after Burger King rolled out a low-fat version of french fry called “Satisfries,” the chain has announced that it will discontinue the menu item in two-thirds of its restaurants due to poor sales and will be reintroducing “chicken fries” due to demand. What do you think?

  • “An apology for providing healthy options would go a long way toward restoring our trust in the brand.”

    Ben Hartlein Ceramics Glaze Applier
  • “This goes to show you that ordinary people can make a difference when it comes to what foods are served at fast food restaurants.”

    Herman McCandless Systems Operator
  • “I want the salads gone too.”

    Lisa Niman Wallpaper Designer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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