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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

At a recent charity event in Dubai, a burger containing seven beef patties, aged cheddar, and veal bacon strips on a saffron brioche bun was auctioned off for $10,000. What do you think?

  • How can a $10,000 burger not include mushrooms?”

    Tricia Sniffen Canvas Stretcher
  • “This guy got ripped off. Jack In The Box just sold me four hamburgers, nine tacos, and a gallon of Sprite for $6.50.”

    Gordy Welter Wire Coiler
  • “I’d rather eat $10,000 worth of normal burgers, thank you very much.”

    Dominic D'Amico Glue Stirrer

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