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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

At a recent charity event in Dubai, a burger containing seven beef patties, aged cheddar, and veal bacon strips on a saffron brioche bun was auctioned off for $10,000. What do you think?

  • How can a $10,000 burger not include mushrooms?”

    Tricia Sniffen Canvas Stretcher
  • “This guy got ripped off. Jack In The Box just sold me four hamburgers, nine tacos, and a gallon of Sprite for $6.50.”

    Gordy Welter Wire Coiler
  • “I’d rather eat $10,000 worth of normal burgers, thank you very much.”

    Dominic D'Amico Glue Stirrer

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