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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

At a recent charity event in Dubai, a burger containing seven beef patties, aged cheddar, and veal bacon strips on a saffron brioche bun was auctioned off for $10,000. What do you think?

  • How can a $10,000 burger not include mushrooms?”

    Tricia Sniffen Canvas Stretcher
  • “This guy got ripped off. Jack In The Box just sold me four hamburgers, nine tacos, and a gallon of Sprite for $6.50.”

    Gordy Welter Wire Coiler
  • “I’d rather eat $10,000 worth of normal burgers, thank you very much.”

    Dominic D'Amico Glue Stirrer

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