adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals

A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons. What do you think?

  • "No kidding. Now you understand why I dumped those damn pythons in the first place."

    Paul Wyndorf Foam Tester
  • "Wow, no more raccoons. This is great news for the Everglades' native trash can and attic populations."

    Corey McBain Accountant
  • "What is it with Floridians' unwavering determination to make their state a 1970s horror exploitation flick?"

    Sunita Cronin Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close