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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals

A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons. What do you think?

  • "No kidding. Now you understand why I dumped those damn pythons in the first place."

    Paul Wyndorf Foam Tester
  • "Wow, no more raccoons. This is great news for the Everglades' native trash can and attic populations."

    Corey McBain Accountant
  • "What is it with Floridians' unwavering determination to make their state a 1970s horror exploitation flick?"

    Sunita Cronin Unemployed

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