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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Burmese Pythons Hardier Than Thought

Despite record low temperatures and a drought in Florida, researchers caught six Burmese pythons in parts of the Everglades where they had not been seen before, indicating that the invasive species will be harder to get rid of than previously thought. What do you think?

  • "They're just as afraid of you as you are of them. That’s why they try to kill you so quickly."

    Simon Bonniwell Engraver
  • "I just hope they don't threaten the natural balance of SeaWorld."

    Rebecca Edgar Painter
  • "I see no other option but to abandon Florida to the snakes."

    Kirk Landon Unemployed

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