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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship

Recently, President George H.W. Bush christened a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier bearing his name. What do you think?
  • "That's a bad idea. The last thing George Bush named after himself sank pretty fast."

    Brenna Gold Herbalist
  • "I must say I found it much more touching when Barbara christened the first nuclear-powered kindergarten."

    Jack Lay Soap Maker
  • "See this is the difference between us and North Korea. We use our nuclear power for peaceful purposes like boating."

    Robert Ronson Systems Analyst
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