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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship

Recently, President George H.W. Bush christened a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier bearing his name. What do you think?
  • "That's a bad idea. The last thing George Bush named after himself sank pretty fast."

    Brenna Gold Herbalist
  • "I must say I found it much more touching when Barbara christened the first nuclear-powered kindergarten."

    Jack Lay Soap Maker
  • "See this is the difference between us and North Korea. We use our nuclear power for peaceful purposes like boating."

    Robert Ronson Systems Analyst

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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