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Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

Last week, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for winning the war in Iraq. What do you think?
  • "Man, this must've been a pretty shitty year for peacemakers."

    Andrea Barker Physical Therapist
  • "If they win, they would join the esteemed ranks of Henry Kissinger and Yasser Arafat."

    Teri Hyde Homemaker
  • "Well, they did go to war when the entire rest of the world was opposed, so I suppose they deserve it. Wait, that came out wrong."

    Wayne King Systems Analyst
  • "What, were the Powerpuff Girls too fictional or something?"

    Marcus Anderson Lawyer
  • "Nominated by the grateful Iraqi people, no doubt."

    Bobby Thakker Delivery Driver
  • "It's about time. I'm sick of them always giving the Peace Prize to all those fucking pacifists."

    Ron Hadler Electrician

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