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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

Last week, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for winning the war in Iraq. What do you think?
  • "Man, this must've been a pretty shitty year for peacemakers."

    Andrea Barker Physical Therapist
  • "If they win, they would join the esteemed ranks of Henry Kissinger and Yasser Arafat."

    Teri Hyde Homemaker
  • "Well, they did go to war when the entire rest of the world was opposed, so I suppose they deserve it. Wait, that came out wrong."

    Wayne King Systems Analyst
  • "What, were the Powerpuff Girls too fictional or something?"

    Marcus Anderson Lawyer
  • "Nominated by the grateful Iraqi people, no doubt."

    Bobby Thakker Delivery Driver
  • "It's about time. I'm sick of them always giving the Peace Prize to all those fucking pacifists."

    Ron Hadler Electrician

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

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