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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Bush And The ABM Treaty

Worried about nuclear attacks by terrorists and rogue states, President Bush pulled out of the ABM treaty in the hopes of building a missile shield. What do you think?
  • "This is a wise move on Bush's part, considering the fact that terrorists possess elaborate launching systems capable of firing nuclear missiles into space."

    Larry Edwards Systems Analyst
  • "It's reassuring to know that, after everything that's happened in the past three months, there's still irrefutable proof that Bush is a dick."

    Marjorie Ready Student
  • "The ABM treaty was a noble but ultimately flawed idea that hindered our ability to bomb the fuck out of countries we don't like."

    Will Lathon Auto Mechanic
  • "As a full-blooded Native American, I'd like to know why everyone's acting so goddamned surprised."

    Leonard Whitecloud Cashier
  • "A missile-defense system is all the more vital now that we've pissed off Russia so bad."

    Thomas Provenza Lawyer
  • "This shield will protect us from terrorists who steal radioactive industrial-waste materials and build 'dirty bombs' aimed at subways, bridges, and other public spaces, right? Phew."

    Lauren Keith Dental Hygienist

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