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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business"

The Bush administration designated several large companies, including media giants USA Today and the Associated Press, as small businesses, thus inflating the administration's record for helping small companies. What do you think?
  • "There¹s no artificial inflation here. USA Today and the Associated Press really are the two smallest companies left in America."

    Darby Kreil Banquet Waiter
  • "Clearly, it was unwise to allow White House aid Gorlok The Gargantuan to differentiate small and big businesses, for, to Gorlok, all is puny!"

    Kaliel Roberts Systems Analyst
  • "Big deal. So Bush fudged some facts in order to make him look good. It's not like anybody died, um, this time."

    Thomas Brun Speech Writer

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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