adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business"

The Bush administration designated several large companies, including media giants USA Today and the Associated Press, as small businesses, thus inflating the administration's record for helping small companies. What do you think?
  • "There¹s no artificial inflation here. USA Today and the Associated Press really are the two smallest companies left in America."

    Darby Kreil Banquet Waiter
  • "Clearly, it was unwise to allow White House aid Gorlok The Gargantuan to differentiate small and big businesses, for, to Gorlok, all is puny!"

    Kaliel Roberts Systems Analyst
  • "Big deal. So Bush fudged some facts in order to make him look good. It's not like anybody died, um, this time."

    Thomas Brun Speech Writer

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close