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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General

Dr. James W. Holsinger, Jr., Bush's nominee for Surgeon General authored a 1991 medical paper arguing that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy. What do you think?
  • "I guess there's no one more qualified to talk about the possible dangers of homosexuality than a blown-out asshole."

    Johnny Shields Administrative Service Manager
  • "Yes, but Holsinger wrote that right after Antonio broke up with him. Clearly the guy was hurting a little bit."

    Bryan Seifkes Welder
  • "That's a good start, but I'll reserve judgment until I make sure he doesn't have some bizarre pro-masturbation agenda."

    Meg Niles Amusement Machine Servicer

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