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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Bush Promotes Hydrogen As Alternative Fuel Source

President Bush gave an Earth Day address in California reaffirming his commitment to hydrogen as the alternative fuel of the future. What do you think?
  • "I don't know much about hydrogen, but if you can soak a rag in it or just sniff it straight from the can, I'm all for it."

    Dan Kinicki Jeweler
  • "If Bush is trying to save the environment, we must be in worse shape than I thought."

    Jackie Kennedy Computer Repair Tech
  • "He knows we're talking about cars and not bombs, right?"

    Scott Haalstrom Grocer

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