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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Bush Seals Seized Records

President Bush recently ordered records seized by the FBI from Rep. William Jefferson's office sealed from investigators for 45 days. What do you think?
  • "It's good to see that Republicans and Democrats in Congress can agree that it's important to cover your ass."

    Bath Karminski Stereo Salesperson
  • "Now this investigation can proceed without being tainted by evidence."

    Dave Wood Systems Analyst
  • "Hey, I'm an investigator, and that's a 45-day vacation I'm willing to take."

    Miles Holden FBI Investigator
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