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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bush Seals Seized Records

President Bush recently ordered records seized by the FBI from Rep. William Jefferson's office sealed from investigators for 45 days. What do you think?
  • "It's good to see that Republicans and Democrats in Congress can agree that it's important to cover your ass."

    Bath Karminski Stereo Salesperson
  • "Now this investigation can proceed without being tainted by evidence."

    Dave Wood Systems Analyst
  • "Hey, I'm an investigator, and that's a 45-day vacation I'm willing to take."

    Miles Holden FBI Investigator
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