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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bush Takes The Lead

Gaining steam after last week's Republican National Convention, presidential candidate George W. Bush enjoys a strong lead over Al Gore in the polls. What do you think about his recent surge?
  • "Unless Gore can somehow manage to appear on TV before Election Day, Bush would appear to have this thing wrapped."

    Felicia Noonan Speech Pathologist
  • "The Republican convention may have boosted Bush's standing, but some credit must go to his website, www.hot-bush.gov."

    Pete Walker Cab Driver
  • "I usually vote Democrat. On the other hand, that was a lot of confetti they dropped on Bush."

    Rob Weatherspoon Systems Analyst
  • "I was in Philadelphia for RepubCon 2000, and I got this awesome limited-edition Dick Cheney latex mask."

    Denny Young Graphic Designer
  • "I just ate breakfast, and I'm now voting for Cap'n Crunch."

    Tina Devane Waitress
  • "Politics today are so corrupt. Whoever raises the most money wins. Well, the American people are fed up, and they will make their disgust known by voting either for George W. Bush or Al Gore."

    Richard Baer Ophthalmologist

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