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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bush's African Tour

President Bush recently returned from a tour of Africa that supporters say signals U.S. commitment to tackling the continent's problems. What do you think?
  • "This trip demonstrates strong support for Africa in a way that adequate humanitarian aid never could."

    Roland Sutton Purchasing Manager
  • "All I ever hear is Bush, Bush, Bush. When are we getting a new president?"

    Jay McDaniel Conveyor Operator
  • "Did he get his picture taken next to a big pile of skulls? That'd be awesome."

    Hector Castillo Aircraft Mechanic
  • "Africa?! But that place is dangerous! What if he'd been hurt?!"

    Helene Rhodes Teacher
  • "I pray Bush steered clear of Anansi, the trickster spider-god. If not, the president may have learned a few lessons in a manner he didn't appreciate."

    Duane Carr Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God Strom Thurmond didn't live to see a member of the GOP do this."

    Dena Hardy Procurement Clerk

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