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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Bush's New Press Secretary

Fox News anchor Tony Snow was just named the new White House Press Secretary. What do you think?
  • "To make this career-change work, Tony Snow will have to completely reinvent his cufflinks."

    Aaron Coen Veterinary Assistant
  • "Now that Fox News and the Bush administration have taken their relationship out of the shadows, it’s given me the courage to tell the world about my sister and me."

    Jenny Isaacson Midwife
  • "It's like I've been saying—what this country needs is regime change, from the Press Secretary's office on down."

    Chris Hofstra Information Desk Clerk

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