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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat

A televised conversation between President Bush and American and Iraqi troops that was originally presented as a candid chat turned out to be carefully scripted to address Bush's goals for the war and the new Iraqi constitution. What do you think?
  • "This would be a major problem for the president if anybody cared anymore about whether or not the things he did were fake."

    Gerald Huppmann Arbitrator
  • "Oh, so that explains the part where the Islamic fundamentalist ran in with a bomb and was single-handedly subdued by the president."

    Rainey Milford Daycare Attendant
  • "It just shows that he cares enough to pretend to like the troops. That should be worth something."

    Sean Guidry Realtor

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