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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

President Bush's smallpox-vaccination plan has sparked controversy, as the vaccine carries a small risk of severe and even deadly side effects. What do you think?
  • "I don't care if thousands of Americans could die–lives are at stake."

    Robert Clausen Architect
  • "I'm sticking with my political party on the whole smallpox issue."

    Meredith <br>Vreeland Homemaker
  • "Will we also be vaccinating against pipe bombs? We know the terrorists have those."

    Richard<br>Edwards Systems <br>Analyst
  • "I'm sticking with my political party on the whole smallpox issue."

    Mitchell Swan Cashier
  • "I'm all for it, but only if I get to vaccinate myself. I have this cool antique lancet I've always wanted to use."

    Maria King Therapist
  • "Call me a paranoid schizophrenic, but I must confess to being fretful about the government forcibly injecting stuff into me. I'm a bit of a worrywart in that area."

    Mark Samuel Contractor

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