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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Bush's Tax Cuts Permanent

Bush wants to make his tax cuts permanent, which would cost $1.4 trillion over 10 years. What do you think?
  • "I don't give a fuck what programs he cuts, just so long as I don't need them right now. No new taxes!"

    Bob McDonald Financial Advisor
  • "These tax cuts are necessary in order to stimulate the economy to the point where we can pay for the tax cuts. Why is that hard for you to understand?"

    Jim Decker Systems Analyst
  • "This could potentially leave a huge deficit for my children and grandchildren, which is perfect revenge for them not visiting me."

    Mary-Ann Rose Line Producer

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