After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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C-Sections On The Rise

Americans are delivering babies via Caesarean section in record numbers. What do you think?
  • "These things are being overperformed. I went in for an appendectomy and came out with a healthy baby boy."

    Kevin Wells Projectionist
  • "I took fertility drugs, became pregnant with quadruplets, had a C-section three months premature, and my babies were on respirators for four months. Why the fuck haven't I been asked to appear on Oprah?"

    Brenda Kruse Manicurist
  • "Wait, they normally push it out of where?"

    Con McKay Metal Worker

After Birth

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