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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack’d Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine as two cans of cola, prompting consumer groups to warn of safety risks, particularly for children. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a Cracker Jack adults like me can eat without fear of embarrassment.”

    Townsend Eddings Compliance Director
  • “Great. You have no idea how much regular Cracker Jack it takes to get the amount of caffeine that’s in two cans of soda.”

    Tommy Chun Back Seam Stitcher
  • “My kids will not be allowed near those things. Unless they start whining, because I can’t stand that.”

    Kathleen Knowlton Cardiac Sonographer

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