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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack’d Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine as two cans of cola, prompting consumer groups to warn of safety risks, particularly for children. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a Cracker Jack adults like me can eat without fear of embarrassment.”

    Townsend Eddings Compliance Director
  • “Great. You have no idea how much regular Cracker Jack it takes to get the amount of caffeine that’s in two cans of soda.”

    Tommy Chun Back Seam Stitcher
  • “My kids will not be allowed near those things. Unless they start whining, because I can’t stand that.”

    Kathleen Knowlton Cardiac Sonographer
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