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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack’d Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine as two cans of cola, prompting consumer groups to warn of safety risks, particularly for children. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a Cracker Jack adults like me can eat without fear of embarrassment.”

    Townsend Eddings Compliance Director
  • “Great. You have no idea how much regular Cracker Jack it takes to get the amount of caffeine that’s in two cans of soda.”

    Tommy Chun Back Seam Stitcher
  • “My kids will not be allowed near those things. Unless they start whining, because I can’t stand that.”

    Kathleen Knowlton Cardiac Sonographer
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