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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack’d Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine as two cans of cola, prompting consumer groups to warn of safety risks, particularly for children. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a Cracker Jack adults like me can eat without fear of embarrassment.”

    Townsend Eddings Compliance Director
  • “Great. You have no idea how much regular Cracker Jack it takes to get the amount of caffeine that’s in two cans of soda.”

    Tommy Chun Back Seam Stitcher
  • “My kids will not be allowed near those things. Unless they start whining, because I can’t stand that.”

    Kathleen Knowlton Cardiac Sonographer

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