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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances

A new study by Kaiser Permanente Research Division in Oakland, CA says that the caffeine in two cups of coffee per day can double the chances of an expectant mother miscarrying. What do you think?
  • "Coffee's for saps. You really want to miscarry, you go drink yourself some bleach."

    Marc Burns Car Rental Agent
  • "Falling down stairs and now this? Where is a pregnant woman expected to find any joy?"

    Yvone Riley Tech Support
  • "Okay, but those expectant mothers were also playing really violent video games on a somewhat regular basis. So, let's not just blame the caffeine."

    Karl Pawlett Dry Cleaner

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