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Politics

Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Cain's 9-9-9 Plan Would Cost Average Americans More

An analysis has shown Republican candidate Herman Cain's tax plan, which would levy a flat rate of 9 percent on all incomes, sales, and business profits, would cost average Americans substantially more than they pay now. What do you think?

  • "Look, getting America out of this recession demands we all share the bold, written-on-the-back-of-a-napkin sacrifice Cain has proposed."

    Henry Dodge Systems Analyst
  • "I for one don't mind paying more taxes for the greater good of sheer mathematical elegance."

    Emily Doty Jet-Dyeing-Machine Operator
  • "Did someone just say the same number three times? I love it when that happens! Do it again!"

    Simon Tallmadge Granulator Tender

More from this section

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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