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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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California Citrus In Danger

The recent west-coast cold snap is jeopardizing the California citrus industry. What do you think?
  • "Oh well. The vodka is the only part of the screwdriver I really want, anyway."

    Francis Hawker Corporate Librarian
  • "With the nation's Sunny D supplies at risk, we may all have no alternative but to choose the purple stuff."

    Anna Sinclair Stock Broker
  • "Can't some Mexicans just sit on the orange groves to keep them warm?"

    Clark Pramson Luthier

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