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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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  • More News

California Citrus In Danger

The recent west-coast cold snap is jeopardizing the California citrus industry. What do you think?
  • "Oh well. The vodka is the only part of the screwdriver I really want, anyway."

    Francis Hawker Corporate Librarian
  • "With the nation's Sunny D supplies at risk, we may all have no alternative but to choose the purple stuff."

    Anna Sinclair Stock Broker
  • "Can't some Mexicans just sit on the orange groves to keep them warm?"

    Clark Pramson Luthier

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