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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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California Must Cut Inmate Population

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld a ruling requiring the State of California to remove at least 37,000 inmates from its prisons to reduce overcrowding. What do you think?

  • "Finally, maybe I can meet a man who appreciates the nuances of my bologna sandwiches."

    Jill Binford Hotel Clerk
  • "The real problem here is that prison riots aren't killing as many inmates as they used to."

    Keith Davis Systems Analyst
  • "Some of them can stay at my house while I’m away on a long business trip. That is, if they don’t mind my beautiful young wife walking around making a racket."

    Calvin Ferreri Salesman

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