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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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California Raises Malt Beverage Tax

Responding to criticism that liquor companies were targeting underage drinkers, the California legislature voted to raise the taxes on sweetened malt beverages. What do you think?
  • "This is a greatly needed measure. Those kids I buy booze for have been drinking way too much."

    Carl Munson Bulk Launderer
  • "If the social stigma of holding a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade or Zima doesn't dissuade kids from drinking, nothing will."

    Christine Davis Fact Checker
  • "While it's true that liquor companies may be marketing to underage drinkers, it's the legal-age patrons of the Marriott Courtyard who will ultimately suffer."

    Ruben Thompson Software Installer

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