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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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California Restaurant Busted For Serving Whale

The head chef of a Santa Monica sushi restaurant was charged with serving the meat of the endangered sei whale. What do you think?
  • "I don't get it, what's wrong? Did it taste bad or something?"

    Dominic Haskins Internal Audit Manager
  • "Sure, that's exotic, but nothing satisfies me more than feasting on the ultimate prey: chicken."

    Lorrie Murphy Accounts Receivable
  • "Serving whale? That's disgusting. Oh, look! Lasagna in a can is on sale at Albertson’s!"

    Noel Ash Prep Cook

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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