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Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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California To Legalize Marijuana?

California's November ballot will include an initiative that if approved would make marijuana legal and taxable. What do you think?

  • "That might finally erase the stigma against lazy, glassy-eyed, rambling layabouts."

    Colin Fraser Unemployed
  • "Marijuana legalization would be a pretty nice conciliatory gesture toward all the gay potheads who lost their reception hall deposits."

    Angelique Guthrie Assembly Inspector
  • "That kind of thing might be fine in left-leaning California, but it wouldn't fly where I come from: meth country."

    Javier Raymonde Receiving Tank Operator

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